Lowers Of Happiness

 Several years ago I read an article MEN’S HEALTH Magazine which reported that couples who live together first are most likely to NOT get married. The studies further concluded that when cohabitating couples married, they were statistically more likely to divorce.

In college I thought that living together was probably a good idea. We’d both get the opportunity to “see how things worked out” and save money on both rent and utilities. But I’m older now and have a lot more life and relationship experience under my belt. And after spending two decades observing people’s relationships, I’ve come to realize that living together doesn’t do one positive thing for a couple or their relationship. Living together is not the path to a happy, long-lasting marriage.

The Good, The Bad and the Ugly of Cohabitation

Carolyn is an administrative assistant at a major corporation in downtown San Francisco. “There’s a guy on my job now who is shacking up with his fiancee. He doesn’t seem to be as enthusiastic as he was when they weren’t living together. I wonder how that’s going to turn out?”

Regina reports that one of her best friends is experiencing this now. “She and her man have been together 3 years, living together for 1+, and she’s ready to marry. He’s not. Why should he be, he’s got it all right now! What’s the paper going to mean to him? Now, she’s ready to lower her standards (of wanting to be married before she has children, yada yada) and have a child with him (of course with the stupid notion that maybe this will help the relationship move toward marriage. I want to say to her “HELLO! IT AIN’T GONNA HAPPEN. And if it does, do you really want to look back and feel that you had to trap your man into marriage?)!”

Erlinda is a recent college graduate and witnessed “move-in mania” amongst her friends.

“I wouldn’t move in with a boyfriend unless I had a ring and a date. Even then, it would only be a few weeks before the wedding. If we’re getting married toward the end of the month, I would move in at the beginning of the month, but not before then. From what I’ve seen in these shacking up situations, all a woman gets from “playing house” is taken advantage of!”

Older Couples May See Things Differently

Nick and Virginia have both been married and divorced, so the concept of marriage is not a new issue for either. “We’re comfortable and happy and in love” Virginia reports.

“Some of my friends think I need to go on and marry him to catch him, but Nick is already mine! They don’t understand that though. Children are not an issue. We’re both in our early 50s and neither of us can have anymore children. We only have my high school age children with us - his son is almost an adult. So there is no ‘having his baby to catch him” syndrome going on here! The best I can tell you is this, we choose the way we live and we are happy with it. If in the future we get married, we will be happy with that too.”

Should Women Should Avoid “Giving Away the Milk?”

Very often men opt out of marriage after a period of cohabitation. In theory, it appears to be a great solution. However, I feel the better plan is to resist that desire to marry/live together too early and instead, spend time learning as much about your partner as possible before making such a major commitment. Unfortunately, I see many people in relationships and marriages simply to avoid being alone.

The likelihood of marrying takes a nosedive when a couple shacks up. For one, marrying would seem anticlimactic, because seemingly little if anything changes, hence the urgency to marry goes down significantly or even disappears.

Also, if you’re not married, it’s easier to leave the relationship over petty matters. No matter what cohabitating couples say, the commitment of marriage is not the same when a couple shacks up.

David is a 29 year old fireman, and looking forward to the day he marries. “If I feel committed enough to want to live with the woman I’m with, I will buy the ring and ask her to marry me because obviously I feel she’s the woman for me to spend the rest of my life with. Proponents of shacking up will say that if a couple shacks up and doesn’t get married, it’s good that they found out they weren’t meant for each other before they walked down the aisle. To that, I say: if you can’t determine that the person you’re with isn’t someone you can grow with for the rest of your life just from dating them over a period of time without living together, you’re either not very perceptive or not ready to marry anyone at all. My parents have been married for over 26 years. I long to have a marriage like that, and won’t settle for less.”

My Vote: Get Married or Leave it Alone!

I believe that only certain people with a fear of giving themselves over to a commitment would agree to living together. Those fears are what brought the couple into the shacking up arrangement and what keeps them from advancing to marriage and the reason they prefer a situation that is fun and convenient, but also disposable and easily replaceable.

Their attitude of “let’s try this and SEE IF IT WORKS” is a recipe for failure. When a couple approaches marriage with this mindset, what they are actually doing is not taking the time to see if marriage will work and what they need to do to make it work, but instead seeing if it their little setup will fail. They are taking the path of least commitment and setting things up so they can get the benefits of a marital commitment with the least amount of commitment and damage.

Maturity, realistic expectations, an ability to negotiate and compromise, commitment, common values and morals, sharing of resources, and honest open communication are key to any long-term relationship, whether living together or not. You can find out all of these things about your potential partner through dating and conversations - you don’t need to reside under the same roof to find out what you need to know!

When a woman wants marriage and settles for shacking up, she has already lost the battle and her man’s respect. She did not stand up for herself or what she believes in as she chooses to just go with HIS flow.

Things are only going to go down hill from there.

A couple that truly believe in the sanctity of marriage would find no value in living together and therefore would not make living together or having families, buying property etc. without the legal, emotional and spiritual protections and commitments to each other of marriage a lifestyle choice.

(c) 2008 Deborrah Cooper. Deborrah has authored dozens of relationship articles and advice columns on Ask HeartBeat!, which focuses on modern relationships for teens and adults. Her dating guide Sucka Free Love! provides street-smart, hilarious insight into the toughest issues facing singles today. Check out The Sucka Free Dating Radio Talk Show on Wednesday night at 7:00 pm PST.

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Being Bored In A Marriage
By Julia Solomon

 Don’t you find the people can tumble out over some of the stupidest effects in life? Common nuptials troubles can be just the same, if only couples could march back and see their wedding troubles from the further they would steadily realise that they extremely don’t have a dangerous hitch at all.

One everyday wedding catch that regularly pops up is ‘I’m bored’. OK, so you’re bored does that mean you should soar liner or take confident action? So you want to leap send? Why? What’s making you bored? Why are you bored now and not at the start? It’s everyday for people to get cold feet after a while, especially when the wedding time is over and you have to get on with living but do you honestly want to splurge your life operation from nuptials evils, continuously chasing the next honeymoon point which will end just like the last one?

There are very few customary wedding evils that, with a little struggle, can’t be fixed and boredom is no different. Separation isn’t the only, nor often the best answer for marital boredom. Quite often boredom isn’t about the matrimony it’s about you!

People are different and opposites charm so it’s communal for couples to have different desires and aspirations but running isn’t commonly the answer. How many people do you see jumping from one job to another and one nuptials to another lacking ever achieving what they set out to achieve. Boredom is a familiar tricky, not just in wedding but in life usually. Marriage evils, work evils, it doesn’t worry if you don’t know what you are looking for you’ll never achieve it.

Boredom can’t be resolved by running, probing for something you never find and doubtless doesn’t actually subsist. If you want a life that isn’t boring then you necessary to understand what you want and work towards achieving it. Is it very the wedding that’s the unruly? It’s customary for boredom to be motivated from the way you perceive your matrimony and delight your matrimony not from what your wedding actually is. Most of us can achieve our goal’s married or free, if you truly worship your partner but also want to change your life you’ll find a way to achieve your dreams lacking throwing away your adore.

Marriage is a partnership that requests to be worked at, it’s not always calm but then if it was wouldn’t life be boring!! Boredom is like all frequent wedding evils, you can take what seems to be the simple way out, which many people live to shame, or you can take the decisive, proactive, more fulfilling attempt to wedding troubles and end with a marriage that truly is like the union of two halves.

Boredom is a disarray of view and how you resolve it is down to you but before ripping your marriage distant I urge you to deem what you resolve to do next very warily. Marriage shouldn’t be seen as a sequence around your shaft. Like many common marriage evils marriage is seen as the method for boredom without genuinely considering the major basis. Marriage doesn’t necessary to be boring, your marriage doesn’t necessity to be boring but, about whether you observe my guidance and take a confident consider to your marriage problems is down to you.

Read about relationship breakup and trust in a relationship at the Relationship Guide website.

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Wednesday, September 3rd, 2008 at 4:55 am and is filed under relationships. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.